in the back of a drawer

I don’t know where to start really.
Okay. So It’s not like I became a drug addict and carried satan’s baby and killed bunch of people during the massive fight or something, but I feel like my life’s been a mess, in a most pathetic and not so much interesting way.

A few months ago, I went out with some girls and met bunch of guys. Obviously they flirted each other, and they asked silly question to each other, like most of flirty people do when they flirt, and someone asked about “the first impression and how he/she think about each person now”.
One guy, who is very shy and obviously liked one of my friends, dare to decided to talk about the first impression of me. He said “At first you look like very outgoing and fun person, but I think it’s a disguise to protect yourself.”
I was a bit embarrassed. Because if this drunken fella knows it this soon, that means it’s quite easy to figure out i’m just one needy, helpless girl. Maybe people already knows it!

I think it’s the worst fear of mine; People see me as a week person.
I’ve been thinking that I hide it pretty well, but the things got different nowadays.

I literally cried at the office. I was in the mental status called “Fuck this I can’t deal with this any longer!”
People, oh so many nice people approached me to help. I felt very thankful, but at the same time, I was miserable. all this emotional drama, and especially ‘the tears!’ shouldn’t have involved with my professional life. Now everyone knows it.

I tried to act like nothing ever happened, and put myself together. I thought everything will be back to normal after I get some sleep and chill, But every time i wake up I keep finding new problems, new mistakes I made.

No one will be mad at me. I know. “You’re thinking too much.” One friend told me while I’m leaning on his shoulder, but even in that moment, I was thinking too much. What’s on my mind was this; Don’t you dare to comfort me, I don’t need it. but don’t abandon me, don’t hate me. don’t be nice to me but be nice to me.

What is happening to me? I’ve always been a weak person, but this is too much. Am I that stressed out? One thing is clear; I’m being an absolute train wreck no one wants to see and the crash is still happening right at this very moment. bam…bam…BAM. Thoughts and thoughts collides, endlessly.

And I remembered things I wrote years ago. I remember writing something like “Don’t afraid to feel emotions. be miserable and happy and everything.” I also said something like this “Keep moving.”

I only feel this hurt, because I feel…feels. I only crash things because I am moving, forward? backward? left? right? up or down? I don’t know the direction and that’s why I am lost but I keep moving. At least, I live in a life I decided to live, embarrassing sad little brave life. How satisfying is that?

The life I’m living in is not in a vacuum state. Things crash really hard, making terrible noises. I still don’t know what to do, so I’ll close my eyes, put my analytic self away, and…
just listen, this crashing sound.

It feels like the most chaotic orchestra playing.